"Put on your own oxygen mask before assisting others."— Randy Pausch (The Last Lecture)
As a stay at home mom I take a lot of pride in what I offer my family. I work hard at keeping everyone happy. Once upon a time, not too many years ago, I didn't think meeting my own needs was a priority. I do now. Most especially because I am a mother to two daughters and I want them to know that regardless of their work/life choices they too deserve to at least be as happy and content with life as those they provide for. And they need to know they have a responsibility to themselves for their financial security. I want to be a great example to them. I now make it a priority to meet my own needs - put my own oxygen mask on first, so to speak.
I used to work long hours outside the house for pay. I would get up extra early, head to the gym, grab a healthy to-go breakfast and run to the office - earning my keep (as I used to say). One day, right after having the youngest I decided it just wasn't for me any more. I couldn't see handing that baby off for someone else to enjoy for the 10-12 hours a day I was going to be gone. Besides, there was a teenager that needed my attention and she too deserved some time with just mom. Some days I wonder about that whole quit my job decision, but not overly much. First, I'm a realist, meaning I can't change what has happened anyway; but more importantly, I've gotten back in spades by being with my girls much more than I would have by collecting that paycheck - as handsome as it was. Except - I gave up my paycheck, didn't have a backup investment plan in place, or any financial plan in place and that now leaves me vulnerable.
Lots of big mistakes were made along the way after deciding to leave the paid workforce. Savings or retirement, outside of an existing 401K wasn't a concern - big mistake. I lost touch with friends who worked outside the home, lost pieces of myself by giving up 'me' time and I didn't know how important it was to connect with other moms - real face time, not phone or online computer time for genuine, deep, inspiring, and motivating conversation. I figured I was relatively young and would eventually go back to work, make more money, bankroll a stash, take a few vacations, celebrate a couple of weddings, and be ready for retirement. For me, it took the death of a best friend to realize I had overly cocooned myself, formed a chrysalis..and all without meaning to. I eventually found myself feeling misplaced, frustrated, lonely, and most importantly, afraid. Quite honestly, I had no idea where to turn and who to talk to ... this stuff makes you vulnerable!
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| Wikipedia: Greyson Orlando |
The good news is that there is great beauty to be found in studying any chrysalis. There is a wonder of what lays sleeping inside, waiting to be awakened and brought to new life. We know that a metamorphosis will happen. The timing of it all might be a mystery; but simply put, the entire process is amazing. A chrysalis inspires hope, change...and rebirth.
My own metamorphosis began almost 5 years ago when I learned of a non-profit women's organization, Mothers & More, that truly believes every woman, regardless of her paid working status, has and contributes value. Friends, I found friends in other women that shared my journey, or part of my journey - our commonality being motherhood and caretaking. We share all the issues associated with motherhood, whether one chooses to work for pay outside the home or not. Advocacy and education about the issues we as mothers face is the biggest topic of discussion - nationally and locally. I believe, like the chrysalis, discussion creates hope - hope for change.
My message to my daughters has always been to follow their dreams and all the rest would follow. I still believe the same, except now I would add that each of them should know where her oxygen mask is and use it first. As for me, well, I'm lucky. I have made many friends from within that mothers group I mentioned, Mothers & More (www.mothersandmore.org) to help me as I make necessary changes. I do not fear - I have hope. My wings may be damp as I burst from that chrysalis, but they will dry and I'll be off and flying in no time at all. You'll know it's me, because I'll be the one with the oxygen mask.
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